I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
