Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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