Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
