Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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