if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
my liver is dry heaving
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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