im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
