I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
