Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
