RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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