just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize