Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
