One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
