Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
