my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
These tits shall not be calmed
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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