I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
