So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
