sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
