theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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