i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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