Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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