How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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