is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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