you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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