I wish my penis had an off switch
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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