Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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