We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize