You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
