I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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