Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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