Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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