yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
