oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
