I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
