I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
