just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
