my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
