i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
