i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
