I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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