I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
