alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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