Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
