I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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