what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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