Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
send nudes
from the living room?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
