The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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