I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
