You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
don't judge my taste in strippers
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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