and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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