No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
