One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize