eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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