oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
