my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
