i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
