Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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