Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
420 ftw
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
