either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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